The End is (almost) here!

I got an email Friday afternoon letting me know that scores will be released on Saturday, November 17. We on the ecgen.org forums have speculated whether it would be that day (historically it is the Saturday before Thanksgiving). I am beyond nervous about it.

Some of my colleagues (and my mother), bless their hearts, say "Oh you passed FOR SURE". But if you haven't been through the process, you just don't know what its like. The way you have to write, the way you have to analyze, reanalyze and scrutinize everything is so nerve-wrecking. There is no sure-fire way to know that your  best effort met the rigorous standards of National Board.

Over the past few days, as I have been busy totally having a social life and having fun for a change, I have let myself think that perhaps I haven't certified yet. We had a great discussion on ecgen about that wording also--it isn't pass/fail, it is certified/not certified yet. When my mom told me to "have faith in myself" and I "surely passed", I felt bad about the possibility of NOT passing. I mentioned this on the forum and one of the ladies mentioned that pass/fail is so negative. Yes, it is!! So we all agreed to say certified or not certified yet.

I knew going into this process that I was in it for the long haul, three years if it takes me that long. I hope it doesn't because I'm not looking forward to the notion that I might have to videotape and do other things over again. Then again, I may be worried for nothing. Everyone I know who is in my shoes, who are waiting with baited breath for Saturday, gets it. We know it isn't so easy as to say "wow but you're a great teacher" or whatever. That doesn't matter. It matters how you presented your evidence that you are an accomplished teacher.

I know that I may well bite my nails down to the quick by Saturday and I may need to keep a barf bag handy when I log into My Profile Saturday and check to see where I stand (I may need that bag either way--I may vomit in despair or pure joy!). No matter what, however, I have promised myself that I am not going to be upset with myself if I didn't certify yet. I will take it on the chin, look at their advice and see what I need to do.

Part of me would love to be super confident and say "yeah, I got this" but it's just too difficult of a process to be so sure of yourself with. I can't wait to find out...yet I also don't want to know yet. A whole year of hard work could be coming to an amazing conclusion or back to a drawing board.

At least I have conferences to distract me this week!

Let the Countdown Begin!

Typically, in years past, scores for National Board are released right around Thanksgiving. Usually the week before. If that holds true this year, that means in just about a month, I will either have the best day of my life or the day that signifies I have some more growth to make. 

I was chatting with a colleague not to long ago and she said to me, "Oh you'll pass. You are SO smart." 

But some days, I do worry about what I'll do if I didn't make it. Was my writing good enough? Did I cover every single aspect of the prompts in the assessment center? Did I...? Did I....? Did I....?

It's so easy to second guess and question yourself. Most of the spring and summer, after taking my test, I put it out of my head. The relief in being done was tremendous. Most of this fall, it hasn't bothered me too much. Yes, I think about it now and again but I'm so busy trying to keep my head above water at school that I don't often have time to think about it. 

Someone on the ecgen.org forum (which I would TOTALLY JOIN if I were you and you're a new candidate in Early Childhood Generalist, Middle Childhood Generalist or Early/Middle Childhood Literacy--best $40 you'll ever spend!), said that when they were a CIW (Candidate in Waiting) they went into the new school year, before score release, and prepped to start all over, just in case they didn't make it. In other words, they did the permission slips, prepared to videotape and do all of these things over again. I thought that was kind of crazy. I mean, more power to her, but no thank you. I am not going to stress myself out over it until I KNOW I have to redo something. 

The confident side of me thinks there is just no way that I WON'T pass. I killed myself on those portfolios, analyzing, overanalyzing, reanalyzing. There is just no way that I didn't get a minimum 2.75 on each one. That's what I tell myself anyway. The assessment center exercises aren't worth as much (40% overall compared to 60% for the portfolios)...but I went to a ton of chats and really felt like I nailed those questions. I answered them just the way we practiced. I felt good. Confident.

The pessimistic side of me doesn't want to get that score release and see that I failed to make it this time. Because with as crazy as my school life is right now, I don't know HOW I could possibly do National Board again, even if it was just for an entry. I pray that if I didn't make it for some reason that the only things I need to redo would be AC exercises because they aren't classroom based and pretty much zero stress involved. 

The confident side wins most of the time fortunately. I have run so many scoring "scenarios" through based on feedback I got from readers of my portfolio and the chats I attended at ecgen.org that I will probably be shocked if I don't pass. I'm not a perfectionist in much but in stuff like this, I totally am. I would never submit something that didn't have my 150% best effort put into it. My name is out there, you know? 

The good news is, the way the process is scored, they add a 12 point uniform constant to every score. So if you DO receive a 2.75 minimum on everything (basically a B-), you will pass because your raw score would be 275 and the uniform constant will increase you to 287 points. The minimum passing is 275.

I think this is a good way to do it so that if you are someone like me...who has ZERO experience working with super young students (K-1 age), you have some leeway to do much better on another area to bump up your score. I know I only feel good about the Emergent Literacy AC exercise because I practiced with a kindergarten teacher for 3 months!! The other exercises were much more in my comfort zone so I'm not as worried about those. 

I'm sure that much of this will slip my mind over the next few weeks as we have more going on at school with conferences and the busy month of November. Once I get that coveted email telling me when scores will be available...my heart will likely lodge in my throat until I know I passed or need to reassess and decide my next step.

The Mid-Summer Waiting Game

When you spend an entire year focusing on something, it's weird when you no longer have it. I have felt this way on and off since walking out of the Assessment Center on May 14, having finished my National Board exams. For a little while, there was euphoria: whew, I'm finally done. Not long after, however, you sort of feel a sense of loss because this is something that overtook your life for such a long time (a school-year is a long time).

I find myself as we are approaching Back-to-School reflecting upon all of the things I learned last year. Even if I don't certify this year, I won't give up. I will step back into the ring and try again. It's kind of what I do. But in all seriousness, I am approaching ALL aspects of my curriculum planning differently. How can I truly maximize every moment I have with my students? How can I fit in just one more thing to help my students make progress?

Those are the thoughts floating through my head this August. It's this time of year I often get what I have dubbed "August insomnia" because I have so many ideas and things I want to do that I can't sleep. It hasn't happened yet but I'm sure it will. I have so many things I want to do for my classroom this year: not just for looks, but for productivity. I want to give my students the absolute BEST year they can have. Focus, determination and the growth I made going through National Board has invigorated me in ways I never thought would be possible for me. Teaching is my passion--it's who I am and what I do. 

But this is powerful. A year of hard work, scrutinizing, analyzing, freaking out and going back to the drawing board have me reflecting on what I've done in the past and what I will do in the future. It is a really awesome feeling to know that no matter if I see a "Congratulations" on my screen in November or not that I have grown. I have changed. I have made a difference for myself and for my future students simply by embarking upon the process.

That knowledge, reflection and power are priceless.

And waiting....

It is hard to believe it has only been six weeks since I took my NB test. So much has happened since that day (some good, a lot not good).

I kind of miss the National Board process. Maybe that makes me crazy. Or just a little odd. Or both!

I was talking to some folks on the ecgen site and I think I might try my hand at writing a book about the EMC Literacy certificate. There are "general" books out there and books geared for the EC-Gen certificate (and some are really good!), but I know I was hungry for something a bit more specific to my situation. When I asked around there, they all told me it was an amazing idea.

Maybe they are just crazy like me!!

Tentatively I would call it "The Art of Accomplished Teaching". I have totally been bitten by the writing bug since finishing my book and I think this would be a great project to work on, even if I didn't really make a lot of money with it.

Oh yeah...VICTORY!

Well. It's over. Done. Finito!

I got my life back as of 10:03 this morning. It took me just over 2 hours to take my test. I did not go the full 30 minutes for each exercise. I know me. I would overanalyze, think too much and mess up. So I went with my gut on each one, double checked my responses to make sure I had all of my criteria met and on to the next.

I thought I was going to pass out between exercise 2 and 3. I did not sleep well at all last night. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep and it was broken. I just couldn't relax. So I got up with a sore throat, a headache and hardly any sleep. Not exactly ideal conditions to take the biggest test of your life! But I powered on and I think I did okay. At the worst maybe a 2 on any of them but really I think I did alright. I'm so glad we practiced exercise 3 (Emergent Literacy) and exercise 5 (Visual Text) so much because I think I kicked some behind on those two. Here's hoping I'm right!! The AC chats were the very best thing I ever participated in, seriously. I would have been LOST without those.

You have to shut off EVERYTHING when you get there and are only allowed to have your ID and your locker key in the room. When I left, feeling tremendous relief and disbelief that it was finally over, I had two voicemails from school. One saying they needed me to come in because no one took the job. Um, not happening. The 2nd one said "oh we figured out what all of those letters mean and realize you can't come in, nevermind". I wouldn't have anyway! Not my issue that a sub cancelled last minute. And it's  not like you can just go "oh nevermind National Board, I'll put you off another day or week". Um, no.

SO glad to be done with this. I want my life back. It's been amazing, frustrating, invigorating, thought provoking and tiring all at once. I know that once school resumes for fall I will be much better off having done this -- because everything I learned will come with me. Everything I'm too tired to process right now will come back to me and I will be a better teacher because of it. But for now....it is rest. Rest and wait. Wait a loooooong time for score results. Honestly after today I'm sure I won't think about it much before October. I'm so ready to just have it behind me.

The End

Well, here we are.

In less than 12 hours now,  I will be at the Assessment Center, on the final leg of my National Board journey. From therein, it will be a waiting game. A big sigh of relief when it's over and putting it out of my mind so I can go back to a normal life: reading, writing, working on my books, getting my publishing house going, spending time with my hubby and kids, watching TV (which I rarely ever do) and not thinking about NB.

Come the fall when things are busy, it will continue to be pushed to the back of my mind. My frame of reference will be filled with starting the new school year, working out the kinks of the new system we're using for Reading Street and focusing on myself.

Then The Email will come. The email that announces that scores will be released soon. And anxiety will set in. Will my hard work have paid off? Will I become a National Board Certified Teacher or an Advanced Candidate?

I can prep no more. I either know it...or I don't. I'm not worried about whether or not I know it. I'm worried about remembering it when I'm sitting in that room, nervous that I will come off like a complete bonehead in my exercises. That some assessor somewhere will laugh at my entries and wonder who the heck I thought I was even attempting this.

Although when I did my very last practice chat on Thursday, the gal I've bonded with who has been with me every week for these chats said she thought I was one of the smartest people on the forum and would be crossing her fingers for me. That's super nice and super awesome. This is someone I don't even really know who thinks I am smart and will make it. I sure hope I do. I want this to pay off -- not in two or three tries, but in one. I want the pain, suffering and literal anguish I have been through this year -- not at the hands of NB but trying to push through the process and deal with it -- to pay off and be able to proclaim that I did, indeed, make it in one try. That I am worthy of the initials NBCT behind my name. 

Getting closer...

In one week, I will be freaking out. FREAKING.OUT.

Why? Because on Monday, May 14, I will be taking THE TEST. Not any ole test. The biggest test of my life. Really for five of the exercises, I feel confident. I have done well in our practice sessions. Whenever I have practiced on my own, I have always had extra time. That makes me feel better because everyone says those 30 minutes FLY in the Assessment Center. In all of my practices I have had at least 10 minutes when I've finished my responses to go back, make sure I haven't missed anything and make anything more clear if needed. I'm SO glad I've had the foresight to do those practices, and engage in all of the extra chats, because it sure has helped.

I am worried about Exercise 3 -- the Emergent Literacy one. I fear that I will choke when I'm in the AC. I have never taught K-1 (and never plan to). My certificate will span ages 3-12 bu I plan to stay in the late 6 year old and up ages (I had a few kiddos who were still 6 when school started this year). I will practice, practice, practice that one over the next week. 

Then it's test time...and freedom. No more weekends devoted to NB. No more scheduling my life around the AC chats we've been doing. No more worrying about how I will get everything done. Freedom to enjoy my last weeks of the school year and not have this hanging over me.

It's soooo close I can nearly taste it.