Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for so much this year. A big one is the opportunity to show my true teaching bad-self with a retake on E1. I have refused, since I got my results, to look at this as a disappointment or woe-is-me. I'm making it a positive. I AM grateful that I do have the chance to retake it and make it the best it can be so I can shout in triumph a year from now that I am National Board Certified. 

It's a PROCESS people....

I understand why people who don't certify in their first year of pursuing National Board often just don't tell people. I swear, if one more person tells me it is "ridiculous" or "unfair" that I didn't "pass" (make that certify folks!), I will scream.

I said this over the weekend too but anyone who hasn't gone through the process just doesn't understand. It isn't a pass/fail situation. It also doesn't mean that I am a good or not good teacher. It means one thing. I did not provide enough evidence. Period. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Truthfully, it doesn't really bother me. Sure, it's disappointing because you KILL yourself on it. You do. By the time you mail that box you think if you ever see it again, you are going to stab yourself in the eye! *wink* However, once mid-summer hit, I missed the process. The reflection. The growth. The need to keep pushing and pushing myself to go, go, go. Do this thing just a little better, put this much more into that assignment.

National Board changed the way I teach. No matter what, I am 100% a better teacher than I ever have been. I could go on about how my students and their parents all think so and tell me so...but it isn't about that either. I just do what I love. I try my best every day and strive to be better every day too. It's what I want my students to do, it's what I should practice as well.

The Results are In....

Today is the day that all CIWs have been waiting for. It is the day we find out if our blue boxes full of 9 months of blood, sweat and tears ended up providing us with a "Congratulations, You are a National Board Certified Teacher!" or not.

Unfortunately, when I logged into My Profile this morning at 6:30 a.m. (I couldn't sleep for a totally different reason), I did not see those fabulous words. I missed certifying by 6 points. (Remember that each entry is worth up to 4.25 points (an A+) and then is weighted by 16, 12 or 6.67 depending upon the entry/exercise.) What really stinks is, upon further investigation, I only need 0.375 of a point on one entry to certify and reach that magic number of 275. 

The closer we have gotten to the deadline, I have been telling myself I didn't make it. Not to be a downer and not to be a Negative Nancy but to prepare myself just in case. I had a really crappy spring when I was finishing my last two entries (the two I didn't reach the 2.75 on which is the minimum "pass" on each entry/exercise). When I checked my National Board files on my computer, I noted that the two I didn't pass were the last two I completed and I finished them the day I sent in my box. I sent my box in two weeks early because I was overwhelmed with my personal BS and needed to get National Board out of my hair. 

I took three weeks off (until Spring Break) and then busted my behind studying for the Assessment Center. Happily, I did really awesome there, only exercise 5 was below the benchmark (and that one stumped a lot of us for MONTHS as we practiced and practiced). 

I have been sick all day (not because of my results, it's just icky timing) and have slept through much of the day. I have thought about what to do in the small amount of time I have been awake and coherent. I AM going to retake Portfolio One and ONLY Portfolio One. I did horrible on Entry 3 but I feel so UNconfident in my ability to redo that one and bring my score back up. So I will do the other one. I only need that 0.375th of a point so if I put all of my energy into that one entry, I should be just fine. 

I know the process so much better, I know what to expect now. It won't be as time consuming, as difficult and/or as stressful because it's ONE entry rather than TEN like last year. Plus the drama is my life is relatively non-existent now since I parted ways with people who just don't deserve to say they know me. I will make it in Round Two, I have no doubt of that.

It is a journey after all. My plan of attack is to review Entry 2 (my highest score) and see what I did in there that I didn't do in Entry 1 and go from there. I am working with big kids again, where I feel SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE, and thus hopefully I can kick this entry in the behind this time around. 

So don't feel sad for me. I don't. Yeah, it stinks to work so hard and have to redo something but it is what it is. I will make it. I'm not the sort of person who just gives up. :) I have been a survivor my entire life and this is just a bump in my road. It's a tiny bump...it means nothing in the long run. I will be positive, I will persevere and a year from now I will open My Profile and see the words I want to see.

The End is (almost) here!

I got an email Friday afternoon letting me know that scores will be released on Saturday, November 17. We on the ecgen.org forums have speculated whether it would be that day (historically it is the Saturday before Thanksgiving). I am beyond nervous about it.

Some of my colleagues (and my mother), bless their hearts, say "Oh you passed FOR SURE". But if you haven't been through the process, you just don't know what its like. The way you have to write, the way you have to analyze, reanalyze and scrutinize everything is so nerve-wrecking. There is no sure-fire way to know that your  best effort met the rigorous standards of National Board.

Over the past few days, as I have been busy totally having a social life and having fun for a change, I have let myself think that perhaps I haven't certified yet. We had a great discussion on ecgen about that wording also--it isn't pass/fail, it is certified/not certified yet. When my mom told me to "have faith in myself" and I "surely passed", I felt bad about the possibility of NOT passing. I mentioned this on the forum and one of the ladies mentioned that pass/fail is so negative. Yes, it is!! So we all agreed to say certified or not certified yet.

I knew going into this process that I was in it for the long haul, three years if it takes me that long. I hope it doesn't because I'm not looking forward to the notion that I might have to videotape and do other things over again. Then again, I may be worried for nothing. Everyone I know who is in my shoes, who are waiting with baited breath for Saturday, gets it. We know it isn't so easy as to say "wow but you're a great teacher" or whatever. That doesn't matter. It matters how you presented your evidence that you are an accomplished teacher.

I know that I may well bite my nails down to the quick by Saturday and I may need to keep a barf bag handy when I log into My Profile Saturday and check to see where I stand (I may need that bag either way--I may vomit in despair or pure joy!). No matter what, however, I have promised myself that I am not going to be upset with myself if I didn't certify yet. I will take it on the chin, look at their advice and see what I need to do.

Part of me would love to be super confident and say "yeah, I got this" but it's just too difficult of a process to be so sure of yourself with. I can't wait to find out...yet I also don't want to know yet. A whole year of hard work could be coming to an amazing conclusion or back to a drawing board.

At least I have conferences to distract me this week!